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” Saying that, he got up and left, assuring me he’d be back later. Christ, now what, I wondered. I didn’t have to wonder for long. Tom wasn’t gone a minute before someone came over and offered to buy me a drink. It’s interesting how everyone always thinks a woman by herself is thirsty! I let him sit, he flirted, I flirted back. He excused himself to use the bathroom, and another guy came over and asked me to dance. Jeez, what was I supposed to do? If I said no, I’d be insulting and rejecting him, but if I said yes, I’d be hurting the one who just left. Fortunately, while I was pondering this, the first guy reappeared, and they both seemed willing to share me. Unbelievable. So okay, I got up and danced, then danced with the first guy. Both took a strong interest in my bottom, and both asked me for my telephone number. I said I don’t give it out, but they looked so crushed, I asked them for theirs instead. After that, they departed, seemingly satisfied that they had ‘scored’, or. Carole (beginning to cry) Oh no, it was gonna be my first time on the job, and it looks like Christmas is ruined before its even begun! Mary Christmas: Dont worry Carole, if hes too out of it to perform his duties, well just have to do it without him! Weve done it before, like that time in the 1960s when hed just discovered LSD and was tripping his head off. First Elf: Yup, youre right. And that time back in the 18th century when the bibulous old twat had drunk four quarts of gin. And the time in sixteen-hundred-and-frightened-to-death when the ol twat had fallen into a vat of rum, and nearly drowned trying to drink his way out. Mary Christmas: Yeah, I remember that. He got out three times to have a piss, then climbed back in. The twat First Elf: Twat. Mary Christmas: Twat. All cast members under four feet high turn towards audience. Cast: Boys and girls, Santa is a twat! Audience: OH NO HE ISNT! Cast: OH YES HE IS! Audience: OH NO HE ISNT! Cast: OH YES HE IS! Audience: OH NO HE.
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